Aperture Teen Hunger Force
by Faux Promises
Summary: The Aqua Teens find themselves test subjects at Aperture. And GLaDOS gets the pleasure of dealing with their stupidity.


**A/N**: This parody may be entirely lost on the Portal fandom, I'm not sure how many people are ATHF fans. But I sure as hell thought it would be a hilarious idea. This'll probably be a two or three shot, not gonna cover the ENTIRE game this way since Aqua Teen is an eleven minute show whose humor is best suited to short bits rather than long stories (the ATHF movie kinda proved it isn't meant for that kind of thing).

Disclaimer: Portal is not mine, rather, it is Valve's, and Aqua Teen belong to Adult Swim and its other respective owners.

x x x

Frylock's room was really, unusually quiet when he woke up at what he presumed to be two o'clock in the afternoon. Most of the time it was the sound of Carl yelling at the TV next door or one of his stupid roommates that got him up out of bed.

Yep, being unemployed _definitely_ had its perks.

However, the self-proclaimed 'Master' Shake didn't exactly remember when Frylock had remodeled his room to look like a glass box inside a big ugly white laboratory. Although nerd-boy did love his test tubes and science-y crap, Shake doubted that they had enough money for _this_. Especially not after he spent all of their latest welfare check on porno and microwaveable bean burritos.

Suddenly a voice filled the room. "Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your…'unique' specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper—"

"Ooh-hoo, is that a _lady_ I hear?" Shake interrupted loudly. "I knew some crazy broad must have slipped me a roofie and brought me here to have her way with me!"

The voice ignored him and continued. "For your own safety, and the safety of others, please refrain from—"

"So what're ya wearing, sweetheart? Why don'tcha come out here so we can have a little fun?" The milkshake patted his imaginary "crotch" area suggestively.

Perhaps growing annoyed, the voice on the intercom relented in her speech and cut to the chase. "The portal will open in three…two…"

"Yeah, I know how to count, _mom_." Shake rolled his eyes, but jumped back a bit when a hole appeared in the wall in front of him. "The hell is that thing!"

"Please proceed through the portal to begin testing."

"Mm, I like where this is going! I knew you wanted me, baby. I always tell Frylock, I'm putting out the pheromones 24/7."

But he still didn't move, just staring at the portal and smiling like an idiot.

"_Ahem. _Protocol requires that you step through the portal in order to receive cake at the conclusion of testing."

"Cake? Is that some kind of fancy sex talk?" He yawned and stretched his stubby hands, knocking over a radio sitting on a nearby table, which immediately exploded upon hitting the ground.

"_Cake_: a sweet, baked, breadlike food, made with or without shortening, and usually containing flour, sugar, baking powder or soda, eggs, and liquid flavoring. Now _go through the portal_ or your oxygen supply will be confiscated."

Shake continued to stare at the portal. "Uh, how the hell do you expect me to fit through that thing? Didn't you see the door to my place when you kidnapped me?"

The voice had stopped answering, and by now Shake had already grown entirely sick of being in a glass box with a toilet and bed. With some difficulty, he squeezed himself through the portal and walked down the hallway on the other side. Boy, this place was a boring dump. Even more boring than his brief time as a detective.

Much to his dismay, the next room he came to was equally boring. Just a big stupid red button on the floor, and a weird tube coming out of the ceiling. Shake walked over to the tube with the intention of looking up into it; maybe a hot girl was showering on the other end of it?

Instead, his least favorite person and most favorite victim fell out of the vent.

"What in the name of crap are you doing here! Don't tell me the hot lady on the speaker wants to daterape you too, you abomination—"

"Well hell if I know," Meatwad interrupted, scowling. "I just woke up and saw this here tube with boxes in it, so I went in it. And found me a friend for Boxxy Brown!"

He held up a metal cube which he had crudely decorated with an afro and facial features. "See?"

"Yeah yeah, who gives a crap about your dumb little imaginary friends." Shake had wandered back over to the red button on the floor. "Look, I'm trying to find that chick, okay? You can help me out with that as long as you don't embarrass me with your disgustingness and ruin my chance to score with her."

"What if you try putting Boxxy Jr. there," he pointed a meaty tendril at the red button, "so that ol' door opens?"

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! What would even make you _say_ something that idiotic?" Shake had proceeded to start stomping on the button, making the door open and close, which he was choosing to ignore.

"The nice lady. She called it the super-something or other. I don' know, boy." Meatwad slid across the floor and over to the button. Now Shake was swearing at the button, which was having absolutely no effect whatsoever.

The meatball set the box on the button, and lo and behold the door did open.

"I told ya, Shake. I bet even Boxxy here knew it would work."

_Yeah, cracka-cup, listen to what the meat man has to say and you might just get outta here alive! Hahaha…!_

Shake screamed in shock, running through the door ahead. "Leave me the hell alone!"

Behind him, Meatwad followed along through the door. "Nice one there, Boxxy. Well, I'll be seeing ya later then!"

The hallway led them to an elevator, which Meatwad happily jumped into. Shake, however, just looked at it skeptically.

"What, you ain't comin'?"

"Not with you in there! You'll probably fart or something and stink it up, and I sure as hell don't know how far it's gonna take us!" He looked behind him at the door that led back into the button room, then back at the elevator where Meatwad was staring blankly at him. The process repeated several times before he sighed dramatically and got into the elevator.

"_Don't_. _Talk to me_," he stated angrily.

The elevator had only just begun to move before Meatwad already was pushing all of the buttons in it and Shake was jumping up and down in his irritation to make it go faster. A long-suffering sigh came over the intercom, but neither of them gave it much attention.

"You're doing very well…I suppose," the voice commented as the two proceeded into the next test chamber. "Rest assured that your unusual nature as test subjects is an enormous contribution to science and will be rewarded. Please complete this test to continue onward."

Shake elbowed Meatwad as best he could with only two stubby hands. "Hear that, buddy? 'Reward.' Tell Frylock to get the hell outta the house tonight, 'cause someone is gonna be gettin' some booty, ya-know-what-I-mean?"

"What's that thing sittin' over in the middle of the room there?" He pointed a meaty appendage over to a gun resting on a stand.

"Whatever it is, it's mine because _I saw it first_!" Before he could ask any more questions, Shake had rushed over to the center of the room and grabbed the gun.

Once he had picked it up, however, he stared at the device and scowled at it. "What the hell is this thing? It looks like some kinda ass-vibrator or something!" He waved it at the security camera in annoyance before pointing it haphazardly around.

"This thing looks sorta like a gun! Holy _shit_, I'm packin' heat over here now! First a chick, then a gun! I hope they have some free money hiding somewhere in this place too!"

"Don't be aiming that thing at me, boy!" Meatwad started running around the chamber as Shake laughed cruelly and shot at him. But once he realized that the gun was shooting holes rather than bullets, he quickly became disappointed.

"The hell? This thing is useless!" He was about to throw it on the ground where it would no doubt erupt in a small explosion, when the voice came back on the intercom.

"You have now obtained possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. With it you may create two linked interdimensional wormholes that allow passage between two points in space. This tool is crucial to your success in future tests."

The two food items paused for a moment, but then Shake lifted the gun up again to throw it on the ground. "Like I said, a complete piece of crap!"

"Let me put this in a manner more suited to your level of intelligence, cup. It makes two holes. Things go in one and come out the other."

"Well…" Shake contemplated for a moment, or at the very least attempted to contemplate. "It won't kill him, but I do have a better idea I think…"

With another vindictive grunt of laughter, he shot one portal above Meatwad and another below him. Within a matter of seconds the meatball was flying through the air in a looped fall, crying and flailing all the while ("_I'm tellin' Frylock!_"). Shake, meanwhile, had fallen to the floor cracking up.

"Man, I think I'm gonna like this thing after all!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Don't worry, Frylock will make an appearance too. He's just a bit too smart to go with the testing thing, these two are perfect for it. ;p


End file.
